How did I survive my illness?
The answer is Wellness Recovery Action Plan
Why did I survive my illness when others don't?
The answer is 'WRAP'
A room called 'Nuts n' Bolts'
After surviving several years on anti-depressants, my recovery finally started with a little bag of nuts n' bolts.
The more I suffered because of the failure of others to 'listen' the more the 'squeaking of a mouse' turned to 'barking' as I attempted again and again to get the help that I actually needed by 'advocating for it'!
A change of treatment was finally offered and I was given a tour of a building. There were several departments, gardening, computers, kitchen to learn to cook, etc.. "If a place could be found, which department would I want to go?" I was asked.
I was so lost, I had no idea where I was headed. "Anywhere but THAT room?" Which room is that, they asked? I didn't know what it was called, but it had no windows, lots of people and I didn't like being around people and if I was to judge the look of their faces, excitement isn't the word I would choose. "That's multi-skills," they said. "Ok," I said, "I will go anywhere, but I don't want to go to multi-skills!"
A couple of days later I got a call. They had one place left. "Where is it," I asked? Multi-skills, it was a case of take it or leave it. Of course I took it, beggers can't be choosers!
For three years I travelled at my own expense from one town to another just to put little nuts n' bolts into bags. After three years, I was 'forced' to move on. I was provided an Employment Officer (My third Guardian Angel) who asked if I would work for free in a £shop?
I had no problem with that at all. I could see for myself the advantages of being able to offer evidence of being able to work in or deal with certain situations. I have an illness, it doesn't make me an 'idiot' - though some believe it does.
My experience in the £shop led directly to paid employment. Instead of telling them what I would do in a certain situation, I did what a politician would do - I answered a question that wasn't asked and told them what I DID do in a similar situation!
Sometimes our futures lie at the feet of others, sometimes we make our own!
If I were to go back in time and be asked again what department I would want to go to - 'Nuts n Bolts' is the room I would choose. I often know what I want, but I don't always know what I need!
I only discovered my reason for surviving had a name after I had been offered my job in Iceland and had already written my ‘recovery story’. I was now looking for something to do with it.
Rosemary, Northern Health and Social Care Trust, was looking for 'recovery stories' for a publication. She found me (I must ask her how?), took it from me and published it along with a number of other ‘mental health volunteers’ – each with their own story of ‘recovery’. Having WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) explained to me made sense. I had done everything it said I would need to do in order to survive my illness. Well, they do say, better late than never!
A woman in America made a study of her own mental health recovery and investigated how others had survived their illnesses. She uncovered a number of basic principles, including asking for help, knowing what help you need and if necessary fighting for it or to use her word ‘Advocacy’.
Now businesses too are using it to help solve their problems. Simply replace the person with a business (or a goal) and now all you have to do is work out what help you need, what support you are going to need, how you are going to get it and if necessary what you might have to do to ‘advocate’ for it.
If you want to know more about WRAP, ask your doctor - if they don't know, ask them why not? I might know how to do it, but there are courses you can take that explain it much better than I can. If you want to know more about WRAP, as I write, every Health Trust has their own 'Recovery College' they should be able to help you. If that doesn't work, ask a health professional to get you more information! If they need a little push, pretend your a mouse that likes to ROAR - 'ADVOCATE'!
For Friends and Family
Please try to remember, I have a mental illness, which means I am NOT always able to think rationally, so please don't expect me to. For me, it is like a light switch. One day I can be completely normal, and think normally. The next everything is the opposite. Every reason to live can become a reason not to.
"But you have children" - yes, but I am a 'bad parent' and they would be better off without me! But you have family who care about you - yes, but they worry about me, if I wasn't here, they wouldn't have to worry anymore. Irrational thoughts YES - but I am NOT able to think rationally, if I was I wouldn't have a mental illness - would I?
As I searched for answers as to why I survived and so many others don’t, I know that my parents played a critical role. No matter what I would do, I could always rely on mum to be my shield and defender. I could have robbed the crown jewels from the Queen’s head and my mum would find an excuse. “Don’t blame my son, it was just ‘a little accident’!”
My Dad on the other hand, is strong in right and wrong! Love from mum is loud and proud while Love from Dad is ever present. Should I ever need help from Dad, I only have to ask. Cars, plumbing, electrics, gardening, he can turn his hand to anything. If he ever needs a little time, my mum doth claim, it is a crime, and tells him – “Do it, FASTER!”
Every time my illness tried to convince me that life just wasn’t worth living, I knew the pain that it would cause others as ‘LOVE conquers ALL’ shielded me and protected me as best it could. A shield it was and a strong one too, but a battle can’t be won by a shield in one hand and nothing in the other. Where was my sword? I HAD to have a sword!
I tried anything and everything – even yoga! But my legs barely pass each other – they don’t go past my ears! Yet a certificate claims they can, so as soon as I got it - I ran! Those that were supposed to care often made things worse. I questioned if Crisis Response is there to cause or prevent? Many could have done more to help but they refused, or preferred to watch from a fence. Yet just when all seemed lost, the battle turned around and I gained a little ground.
Again and again, I prayed and pleaded, for the help and support that I needed. My illness insisted, but my heart resisted because ‘Love conquers all’! Just in time, gifts from He - Angels One, Two and Three. Someone to believe me when it seemed no-one would? Someone to support me, when it seemed no-one could? And someone to guide me with a hand or a push, just the way they should!
Today, my lows are easy to control. It was something my Guardian Angel (my GP) said to me when someone who was supposed to care, chose not to. Your thoughts cannot harm you, she promised. I took those words and wrapped them around me like a lifejacket. Today should I ever feel low, I imagine being alone at sea with my illness trying to drag me under. But my GPs words are wrapped tight around me and sooner or later – as long as it takes – my thoughts will get bored and let go!
Personally, I like to have the television on just loud enough, experience tells me that I will get cold, so I get a blanket and huddle up somewhere. When my thoughts turn to the television, I know my illness has found something better to do, and now I can stop feeling blue!
No parent should blame themselves for the loss of a loved one through mental illness. Neither any child for the loss of a parent, sibling or friend. Some may blame the victim, but I lay blame on those supposed to help but don’t and those who could help but won’t! The battle can be long, painful and hard, but victory is won with hope!
As for those who like to put themselves in His shoes and cast judgement on others, do you follow God, or do you tell Him what to do? If there is anything worse than the judgement of God, it is surely the judgement of man! If God judges me on the things I have done, I think I'm in trouble. If He judges me on character, He might forgive a 'stumble'? Perhaps we should focus on ‘the moat in our own eye’, but that’s another story.
If you're a mouse, learn to... BARK! (Advocate)
When you have an illness like mine, if you are going to survive you will have to learn how to stand up for yourself. It wasn’t something that came naturally to me, I always preferred to run away and hide. At school you didn’t need to hit me to get me to cry, the threat would have been enough.
As a child, my grandmother would say, Melvyn will come out of his shell one day. I only ever wished I had one to climb into. If I said something back, it might just make the situation worse. Sometimes it did, but practice makes perfect. If I can do it, you can too.
In order to survive you MUST get the help that you need. Ask, encourage, persuade, insist, but if you want to succeed, the one thing you can never do, NEVER give up asking for the help that you need. If asking doesn’t work – Do what my store manager does, sometimes she doesn’t ask me to do things, sometimes she tells me to do them and because I know what’s good for me, when Gail says jump, I hit the roof! That’s the reason, I have no hair!
First ask for help, if that doesn’t work, share your problems with someone – anyone, there are lots of organisations you can share your problems with. When you’re sure you are in the right and someone else is in the wrong, personally, I would write a letter of complaint. I like writing, I get to use the words I want and put them in whatever order I want. If you use your mouth you might say something different to what you wanted to. Also people like to claim you said things that you didn’t, letters give you the evidence of what you actually said, compared to what someone else thinks you said.
More often that not, if you write a letter, you will receive a letter. You can even request a written response if you want to. Now, if you are still sure you are in the right and someone else is in the wrong, remember the story of David and Goliath. So long as you are in the right, regardless of how small or big they are, if you are in the right, they must be Goliath. In order for them to fall, all you have to do is find just the right stone and aim carefully. If they don’t fall, that’s because either you missed your target or you didn’t use the right stone. Never mind, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Remember, practice makes perfect.
'If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is' - crime solved!
Falling victim to crime is all too easy at the best of times, it doesn’t get any harder when you have a mental illness. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. How about, if it sounds like you’re blaming the victim of crime instead of actually solving it, that’s because you are.
Personally, I would go further. I think every time someone becomes a victim of crime, they should lock themselves in their own bathroom for six months and get someone to pass all meals through the window! I think that would do it! We wouldn’t need police to solve crime. Jails wouldn’t be overcrowded. The country could pay its debts quicker. And criminals could rule the streets confident that all victims were safely locked away.
If we are going to blame victims for crime, surely punishing them for it is the next logical thing to do. Too often, those that are supposed to help, just make things worse! Those who are supposed to care, don’t. And those who could, won’t. Having a mental illness is not an easy thing to live with, but the straw that breaks the camel’s back is how others respond when we ask for help.
Within a year of being diagnosed with my illness, £30,000 of savings had been turned into £30,000 of debt. I was an easy victim for internet scams, especially when you are desperate and only too willing to grasp at any 'straw of hope', you aren't able to think rationally, and no-one seems to care! Illness soon took away my job and any hope of getting one any time soon.
Having my own home was top of my wish-list, regardless of how rational or irrational that might be. I was given extra points to qualify quicker for a housing executive property. When one came up, not knowing the area well, I went to Housing Executive to find out if there was any history of crime in the property - I really didn't need my problems to be escalated by 'bad neighbours'.
Housing Executive showed me a glossy leaflet - you're going to 'love it' they said. Within three weeks my car had been vandalised twice, police said it was probably drug addicts looking for any loose change. Then my flat was broken into. I asked the police what I could do to stop it happening again. They laughed: "This is a drug den," they replied, "and you are on a ground floor." In spite of having just purchased numerous items of furniture, I decided to go back to my parents. If it was 'overcrowded' before, it wasn't any better now.
But with a little help from Samaritans and Victim Support, tears dried and time healed. Today I have my own little castle to call home. It might not look like much to those looking from the outside - but they haven't lived my life!
I have lost count of the number of people who were supposed to, should have, or could have helped, but chose not to or in some instances actually made things worse - but sometimes, just sometimes, the people you least expect to help, they are the ones who do help!
Asking for help isn't easy, but tears dry and time heals. Have a little faith, have a little hope that tomorrow, will be better than today!
Best wishes...
Melvyn - Survivor, Mental Illness