“There are things in life money can’t buy” - not my words, the words of BBC Dragon, Deborah Meaden.  In an interview for Strictly Come Dancing, Deborah said that it was one of the best experiences of her life.

Let me share with you one of the best experiences of my life.  My GP had become a revolving door of anti-drepressants and my family had no more answers than I did.  So, having been involved in a support group I had become aware of other symptoms and tried to express these to my ‘other’ doctor - but she refused to listen.

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I told her that I felt like I would have to cut my wrists in front of her before she would believe me, only for her to accuse me of threatening her, or her staff, and she would have none of it - I told her that I didn’t think I had depression - she replied, “NO - I don’t think so either.”

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So I left, where was I to go to get the help I knew I needed - nowhere - I felt like the NHS had slammed it’s door on my face and past experiences told me that the crisis response team didn’t want to know either.  

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How I got home I don’t quite remember, but I do remember falling to my knees and praying to God.  I wanted to ask Him to forgive me for what I was about to do, but I made a mistake - and instead asked Him to take my life and do with it as He wished - I had no use for it anymore.  

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Almost immediately I was reminded that Aware Defeat Depression would be meeting that very night and why didn’t I go and give it a try - what was there to lose?  

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When I got there my first words were, “I shouldn’t even be here because my psychiatrist doesn’t think I have depression” - I don’t remember much about what happened after that - except for one amazing thing.  

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You will know that Northern Ireland is a land divided, but that didn’t stop someone from the other side of the divide coming to my aid. Ensuring that I got home safely, and even took me into her own home to guide me and protect me as best she could.  

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Truly, there are things in life money can’t buy, but it still takes money to create them. Who paid for the studio, the presenters, the camera crew and all the others no-one even knows exist. Who paid for the organisation that allowed me to meet the woman who would take me under her wing - protect and guide me - regardless of which side of the divide I came from.  

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Someone has to pay for it - someone always has to pay.  Perhaps you will understand why I don't like using the word 'Psychiatrist' it just brings back too many bad memories.  But I know from my experience in 'Nuts n' Bolts' that others thought she was very good - perhaps her personality just clashed with my own and my initial 'ramblings' of the help I thought I needed, probably didn't help either.

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Now passion insists that I do what I can so others don't have to suffer as I did.  That others should be able to get the same help I got - why should I be a 'lucky one'?

 

The Rules of Passion

 

Someone once asked me what it would take to stop me from putting my own mental health in jeopardy for the sake of others.  I thought about it and concluded the following:

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Why do people take risks with their own lives?  The answer is passion.  How else do you explain why a firefighter would go into a burning building to save someone in peril?  Is their own life not at least as valuable as someone else’s?  They’re passionate about doing what they can to save others from harm and for whatever reason they have chosen to do that by becoming a firefighter.  How about a Policeman or a Soldier?  Passionate to keep others from harm, passionate about their country, honour or freedom.

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What about a motorbike racer?  Is it because of enjoyment?  Who enjoys endless broken bones and hospital stays?  If you want enjoyment, buy yourself a flavoured ice-cream.  They do it because they are passionate about their sport.

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Of course it’s a risk, but there’s a little trick people do when they take a risk with their own or someone else’s life – they calculate it.  A motorbike racer ensures his bike is in tip-top condition, if he doesn’t, well there’s nothing stopping you from being stupid as well as passionate.  And if you’re on a public road doing 70mph around a band bend, there’s nothing to say you can’t add a dash of selfishness as you put the lives of others at risk, as well as your own.

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You can’t say NO to passion, but that doesn’t mean you should allow it to drain your bank account, spend all your time over there, but never with those you would claim to love.  It may be difficult to control, but it is NOT uncontrollable.  It requires lots of practice, time restrictions, order of importance, and discipline.

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I’m passionate to stop others from having to suffer as I have.  If that means putting my own health in jeopardy, so be it.  But if I do, I’m going to calculate the risk first.  I don’t want to save others from harm by putting my own family in harm’s way.  I don’t want my children growing up in a home with parents arguing because one of them has a passion that is more important than family, friends or loved ones.

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When playing the game of passion, you should always have strict rules.  Never let your passion become more important than your family.    Never allow it to overtake your finances to the point that those around you are suffering because you’re spending more on your passion than on those you claim to love. Remember time is as valuable as money, so what good is it to win every prize, but never be there to celebrate a child’s birthday cake or a daughter’s wedding.  And above all, why should others suffer because you put your passion above that of your own health?

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But a calculated risk, remains a risk.  So I need to keep my bike, myself, in the best possible condition.  In order to do that, sometimes I will have to be selfish and put myself before others.  Sometimes I will have to put others before myself.  But when the odds are good, My Life, My Choice, I cannot, I will not forsake my passion! 

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Money doesn’t make 'me' happy

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I once complained to God in my prayers that I couldn’t do the things that I would like to do because I hadn’t the money to be able to do them. 

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I blamed a lack of money for being lonely, but I found my wife when I was poor.  The first gift she gave me was an electric blanket, because she knew I had ran out of oil to heat my flat.  If you need money to find love, is it you that they love, or just your money?  I sometimes blame a lack of money for not being a better dad, but when they need help, money usually isn’t the problem that they need help with.

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I blamed a lack of money for not having a home, but when I found my wife, the home that we live in is ours, not mine!  I blame a lack of money for not being able to help others more, but friendship, someone to talk to and someone to help you, often don’t cost anything.

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When I created my website I complained about a lack of money.  But when I couldn’t follow one path because I didn’t have the money to do it, it forced me to go down a different path, where I didn’t need the money to do it.

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If I had had the money, I would have spent lots of it building and promoting my website, but because I didn’t have any, I was forced to find other ways to build it and promote it.  Ways that didn’t cost lots of money, just a little hard work.  What you learn as a child, sticks with you forever, and as a child I learned from my grandfather, a little hard work, never hurt anyone.  I thought not having money was a disadvantage, when in fact it was an advantage because it forced me to think for myself instead of just using my bank account.

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It isn’t a lack of money that is holding me back from building the website that I would really like to build.  It is the help that I would buy if I had the money to do it.  But every pound that I would spend, is a pound that could otherwise go to giving someone the help that they need.

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So I don’t want to take the path that requires me to buy the help that I need.  I want to take the path that provides the help that I need, but doesn’t cost someone else the life they could have.

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Following the path of others, means ending up where they want to be.  That might make them happy, but how could I be happy if everyone else is where they want to be, but I am not where I want to be?

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If I am successful, I could end up with the most popular website in the world.  The only way to do that is if I have the support of as many people as possible.  If I have their support, I don’t need money to buy it!  People might know the words to say, but thinking outside the box means thinking different to those around you.  Just because you know the words, doesn’t mean you understand them.

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Money doesn’t make me happy, PEOPLE make me happy.  People made me happy when I finally found a wife, and people made me happy when I finally found a life.  People made me happy, my Guardian Angels three, and people made me happy with just a cup of tea.  People make me happy, my children most of all, and YOU could make me happy – help me smash this BLOODY wall!

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Of course, you don’t get something for nothing, not in this world.  And nor should you, for the least you should expect in return is a thank you.  What you learn as a child, sticks with you forever.  I once heard a story of three lepers who wanted to be cured of their illness, but only one returned to say thank you. 

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If a local community want the money obtained through my website to help improve the lives of those living in their community, then they must say thank you.  But I don’t need a pat on the back, what I need is help to promote my website and I know exactly what I want them to do.  The more they help me, the more I can help others and the better life can be for ALL of us!

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What club, organisation or business doesn’t know the value of teamwork?  Should they refuse, have you ever heard what happened to the little piggy that wanted to share the BREAD that someone else had made?  If they are not going to help plough the field, sow the crop, bring in the harvest or make the BREAD – when after I share equally with those that do, perhaps I’ll be generous and offer them what’s left!

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Should there prove to be a God, and I hope and pray there is, have you ever thought what you would say if you had to kneel before Him?  I think, I’m know, I’m sure, just what I would say:  First I would apologise, for not doing more to help others when I could have.  Then I would apologise, because even when I did, I should have done it sooner!  I’d thank Him for my illness, when passion made me see.  And the help that I once needed, my Guardian Angels Three!

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Asking for help, isn’t easy!

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When you have a mental illness and you need help, you should ask for it.  The person I chose to talk to first was my family.  If anyone needed to know, they did.  You can’t have an illness and not have it affect those around you!  I told my family and watched their tears flow sometimes faster than my own.   Sometimes people get frustrated or angry because they don’t know what to do.   Instead of helping, it often seemed to make things worse.

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When I felt talking to family wasn’t helping, someone suggested seeing a GP.  If and when you can get an appointment, my GP has approximately 10 minutes to investigate, diagnose and come up with a solution.  But that’s more than enough time, because as well as being a GP, she also doubles as my Fairy Godmother.  When someone with a mental illness asks her for help, she simply opens the top drawer and whips out her magic wand.

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But the evil forces making me ill were too great for my Godmother’s magic wand and when the four leaf clover failed to produce any results either, she referred me to an ‘Other Doctor’.  My ‘Other Doctor’ has a special title.  Her special title is ‘Lucky Bag’!  Unlucky for me, mine only seemed to do more harm than good.

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When I first went to see my Other Doctor, I introduced myself, hello, how are you, who are you.  What I didn’t realise is that when your appointment ends and you close the door, you go down a slithery snake and end up back at the start.  Three months later, another ‘Other Doctor’, hello, how are you, who are you.  Again and Again, Hello, how are you, who are you.  Hello, how are you, who are you. Hello, how are you, who are you.   It had all the value, of a cuckoo clock that can tell time as well as it can fly!

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Medication after medication, but never quite the right one, who knows why!  For someone with a mental illness, you might think that it would be important that the patient doctor relationship is as good as it can be, even if that means having the option of changing to someone else.  But this requires special privileges. If you don’t have special privileges One can’t change the ‘Other’ and the ‘Other’ can’t change you. Some think everyone should have access to these special privileges, but then they wouldn’t be special privileges, would they?  

 

With my condition only getting worse my complaints grew from the squeaking of a mouse to the barking of a dog, now more often than not I got to see the same ‘Other Doctor’.  She was more than perfect, she NEVER ever made a mistake!  Every diagnosis she ever made was always spot on.  Every medication she prescribed was always exactly what you needed.  If you weren’t getting any better there was only one reason, your illness was your fault!  Damn! And I thought I had gotten away with it!

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How can you pretend you have an illness you don’t actually have if your ‘Other Doctor’ knows you don’t have one?  I had to do something, and I had to do it fast!  I summoned Merlin the magician, Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog.  But this was going to be a long, hard battle.

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In the meantime, I turned my attention back to my Fairy Godmother, she always believes me.  I told her that I was really struggling to cope.  I had heard about CBT and wanted to give it a go.  She tried to put me off, telling me about how long I might have to wait.  But I was more determined, and I overpowered her feeble efforts.

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If you fail to prepare you prepare to fail, so as I waited, I tried to find out what CBT actually was and how it worked.  Fail to prepare might work in business but in the health service because I had prepared, I had prepared to fail!  They refused to help me because in their view I was already doing CBT. 

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Of course they were right, I was doing it, but I was doing it on my own when what I really needed was someone to help me.  More than anything I just needed someone to talk to, but at the time I didn’t know what I needed, I just wanted a life worth living.

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It was a long, hard battle but eventually Merlin the magician, Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog were triumphant and we celebrated our efforts with a reward – another ‘Lucky Bag’.  Thankfully, this time my ‘Other Doctor’ actually believes that I really do have a mental illness.  If you know that I don’t, shhhh she doesn’t need to know that!

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Knowing my pain, others liked to help me too, Crisis Response, The Housing Executive, The Police, A previous employer, Charities and of course Society in general were sometimes as useful as a cup of water, if you were drowning.  And yet, whenever I feel the need, I dare and dare again to ask for help, because no-one should suffer as I have, and everyone should get the help I got, why should I be a ‘lucky one’?

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Bottoms UP! TOP down

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During my perilous adventures I asked many different organisations for help, some were more helpful than others but what I found most striking was that the people at the bottom always seemed more genuine in their efforts. 

 

The top priority for those at the bottom is the people they are supposed to care about, the top priority for those at the top is the organisation itself.  Time and time again, those at the bottom put me first.  Time and time again, those at the top chose not to.  It forced me to ask the question, is it me they value, or my illness?

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I once asked for a letter of support.  We can’t do that, I was told, if they did that for me, they would have to do it for everyone!  First I was surprised, I even found it funny, as I questioned was I wrong to ask for it?  It’s importance wasn’t much, but Determination stood up strong. 

 

You are a Gold Standard, not my words, theirs.  How can you be a Gold Standard, but not be worthy of a letter of support?  I like to challenge wrong, with words of truth and dare.  I got my letter of support, but the words lack passion, thought or care.  Yet I value my achievement, another lesson learned from there.

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Asking for help isn't FREE

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Any monkey can tell you if you need help you should ask for it, but expectations lead to hope that tomorrow might be better than today.  The danger is that the more you hope for a better tomorrow, the further you have to fall if your requests for help are refused. 

 

My advice, HOPE for the best, it will give you the will to fight, but prepare for the worst, if will provide a cushion should your hopes be crushed by disappointment.   And never fear to fight, if you’re not wrong, how could they be right?

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People sometimes wonder why people like me jump in front of trains.  The answer is simple, if the world doesn’t care about you, why should you care about the world?  Perhaps if people stopped wondering and did more to actually help, they wouldn’t need to wonder!

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I refuse to allow past experiences to stop me asking for help when I need it.  If those who are supposed to only make things worse, if those who could won’t, have you tried The Milky Bar Kid?  Sometimes the people we least expect to help, they are the ones that do help!  Remember tears dry and time will heal!

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In the Blink of an eye

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Ask any parent, how long did it take for your child to grow up.  They will tell you ‘in the blink of an eye’.  So where does that leave the rest of us?

 

As important as some of us might think we are, all too soon our lives will be over and all that we have achieved will be nothing more than a memory to some and even less to others. 

 

But what we leave behind can last from generation to generation.  I don’t know about anyone else, but I would like to leave my children and their children, something better than ‘troubles’.

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My Illness Prefers THE WHIP!

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I suffer a severe mental illness which drives me to be a better employee than I otherwise might be.  When set a target, I do my best to meet it.  Within weeks of starting in Iceland I had targets regarding use of bonus card and savings, I was almost always in the top three.  If I’m in the top three, I can’t be in the bottom three.  If I’m not in the bottom three, my illness can’t use it as evidence that I am useless or worthless.  My employer doesn’t need a stick to threaten me with, my illness prefers THE WHIP!

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Security cameras might be able to spy on me some of the time, but my illness has me under constant surveillance regardless of where I go.  It will take any opportunity it can to try and convince me that I am anything other than a ‘good’ person.  That means I can’t steal stock from the storeroom or time from the clock.  If a colleague is upset with me, I prefer to blame myself and question what - if anything - I can do to make things better.  If I wasn’t entirely to blame, I probably contributed somehow.  If I arrived a little late, would I stay a little later or take it out of my tea-break – no-one needs to tell me to do that – my illness would only use it as evidence!

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I often work more than my scheduled hours when required to help cover absence or stay longer due to a late store delivery.  My boss asks so often she almost always apologises.  She says things like, “You know you can say no”, or “You don’t ALWAYS have to say yes”.  I already know she appreciates my extra effort, and I like making it.  Just as my illness likes to use evidence against me that I am worthless and useless, I like to use evidence against it that I am NOT!!!  My black dog takes off and I think he looks kinda funny when I see him run off with his tail between his legs.  The more valued I feel as an employee, the more opportunity I have to fight my illness.

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The two most important tools I have to fight it, are my job and my ‘Other Doctor’.  Thanks to the support I now have,  I have never needed to take time off sick due to my illness.  On occasion I have asked for my hours to be reduced.  My employer never questioned why, she just did as I requested.  I really appreciate that.  She always does her best to give me the holidays I ask for, which means I often use holidays instead of having to ‘call in sick’, when all I need is a day, here or there, to reduce stress.  Probably due to not eating or sleeping properly.

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I’m confident my boss would agree that I would go beyond the call of duty to help any customer or colleague!  On several occasions customers have thanked me personally for doing things they know other members of staff just wouldn’t do.  For example if we didn’t have any more deliveries, if I thought there was a possibility of squeezing in one more customer, I would crawl on hands and knees into the office, roll over and let Gail (my boss) tickle my belly. Then as she gazed into my puppy eyes, I would ask for a delivery for a customer please.  Either she would explain why the answer had to be no, or sometimes she would say – “ok, do what you want, just get out of my office!”

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When a customer asks for help, rather than disappoint, I often check with other staff even when I know the answer.  If nothing else, it pleases the customer to know that I made the effort.  I once climbed onto the roof of our building to get a child their ball back.  The child had ADHD.  Two days later the child returned to our store, came up to me still grinning from ear to ear and thanked me for returning his ball.  If it was the wrong thing to do, that’s Gail’s fault.  She wasn’t in that day, so I had to think for myself.  Sometimes when Gail isn’t around, we just don’t know what to do!  I have other examples if you want them, though not quite that extreme!

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Can’t clone ME!

 

What you learn when you are a child, stays with you for the rest of your life.  

 

Some easy examples could be religion (most people never change their religion); Social attitudes about others (most people believe what everyone around them believes); even taste (most people enjoy their own traditional foods that they have become used to more than they would enjoy the taste of foods in another culture).

 

Most people believe that they are more important or at least as important as those around them - but I was ‘unintentionally’ brought up to believe otherwise.

 

Living in an estate, I was encouraged to spend my weekends and school holidays on my grandfather’s farm because he was very ill and could die at any moment - I was taught that my grandfather was more important than me.

 

If I wasn’t on the farm helping my grandfather because he was ill, I was on the farm helping my uncle because he was an only son and needed help with fencing, sheep lambing, sheep clipping, sheep dipping and so on - I was taught that my uncle was more important than me.

 

If I wasn’t on the farm helping my grandfather or my uncle, I was on the farm helping my grandmother because she had a physically and mentally disabled daughter (my aunt) - I was taught that my ‘special’ aunt was more important than me.

 

If I wasn’t doing any of those I was on the farm because there were lots of other people on the farm gathering potatoes, or bringing in silage or making hay and my grandmother needed help to feed them all - they were more important than me.

 

Almost every Sunday I went with my grandparents visiting relatives just in case the car broke down or they got a puncture and I might be able to help them - my grandparents were more important than me.

 

But please don’t misunderstand, I am not saying that I had a horrid childhood.  Whether I had the best childhood in the world or the worst childhood in the world simply depends on which side of the bed I fall out of and how I look at my past experiences.

 

I grew up knowing how to set a jelly using the river, because my grandmother didn’t have a fridge.   I am probably among the last in Northern Ireland to know what it was to live without electricity; and among the few my age who watched snooker on a black and white television using a car battery.   I learned a lot about life on the farm and I learned from my own mistakes and the mistakes of others.

 

I enjoyed jumping rivers, herding cattle, watching lambs skip about in the fields and feeling ‘special’ because I was so ‘important’ to everyone else’s life - at least I thought I was, because I believed what I was being told.

 

Today I am a parent of two boys.  Today I think THEY are more important than me.

 

I am a person who thinks others are more important than I am. Whether that is true or not makes no difference.   For what I was taught as a child will stay with me forever - and how could anyone prove that others aren’t more important than me.

 

At primary school I was taught that I was stupid and if I ever have any doubts about that - I have my GCSE Grade Es in Maths, English, Business Studies, Computer Studies, Accounts and practically everything else to prove it.

 

Thinking about this, I have come to my own conclusion that although everyone else thinks they make the world a better place for themselves by doing things for themselves  - I think I make the world a better place for myself by making the world a better place for everyone.   If the world is a better place for everyone - then it is a better place not just for me - but all those that I care about as-well - but what do I know.

 

You can clone my body and my genes and cells - but how will you ever be able to clone all my life experiences that make me the person I am today?

 

I am who I am, and like me or loathe me I like being just that!

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Ability, Potential, Experience, Honesty & Personality

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After 10 years of unemployment I applied for my first job interview.  I wasn’t supposed to get the job, but no-one told Gail that and she gave it to me anyway.  At first I thought I must have been the only one to apply.  When I found out over 50 other people had applied, my mind took off to find the answer why?

 

It does that sometimes, and it didn’t come back until it had found the answer.  Other people might just have asked the person who gave them the job, but the questions I was asking came from deep inside me.  Why would anyone want to employ someone as stupid and worthless as I was, I couldn’t ask them that!

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My job interviewers needed someone with the ability to start straight away.  The fact that I wasn’t already in a job meant I could do that because I didn’t have to leave in any notice.  And there was me worrying that I wouldn’t get a job, because I had been unemployed for so long.  Gail didn’t seem to care about that, but she seemed pleased with the evidence I provided that I wasn’t just wasting my time at home eating donuts.  My advice to others: If you can’t tell them that you were in work, tell them what you were doing, unless of course you were sitting at home watching television - I wouldn’t tell them that!

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In my interview, I was asked if I had ever worked a till.  I replied no.  When I was told that I would have to, I panicked and told them I wouldn’t be able to do that.  So why did they choose me for the job when I had already told them, I wouldn’t be able to do it?  If I were to define the word ‘Potential’ - Potential is the ability to see in others what they sometimes cannot see in themselves.

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Afterwards I asked my other interviewer, why they chose me when I had never worked a till before?  She said, if I had worked a till somewhere else, I might have picked up bad habits and it’s very hard to stop people using them.  She said she trains people for the till every day.  If you ever met her you would know this is a woman with confidence in her own abilities to teach others whatever they needed to know.  She said I was a ‘clean slate’!  So much for needing experience.  If I had had experience of using a till, Gail might have given my job to someone else!

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Of course experience is important.  Before my interview I spent several months doing unpaid voluntary work in a £ shop.  No-one ever suggested there would be a job at the end of it, but if it’s a choice of sitting at home worrying about the future, or actively trying to make a future, even if I know I won’t succeed, that doesn’t mean I can’t or shouldn’t try. 

 

Every time Gail asked me what I would do in a certain situation, rather than answer the question that was asked, I did what any good politician would do.  I gave a perfect answer to a question that wasn’t asked.  I told her what I did do, in a similar situation. Perhaps she didn’t notice, but even if she did, she didn’t seem to mind.

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I heard a joke once.  It must be funny doing voluntary work in a £shop where the only thing worth less than a £ is YOU.  If I don’t want to be offended, even if the joke is at my expense, do I still have to be.   I hope not, because I quite like that joke and it’s the only good one I can ever remember.  People with mental illness get made fun of on a regular basis, sometimes it is believed we are too stupid to take the offence, but I think I’m just - too smart - to care!

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Personally, I prefer Honesty over confidentiality: Before my interview I was told that I didn’t need to tell them about my illness.  I didn’t need to tell and they weren’t allowed to ask.  But I like to think for myself and when the opportunity arose, I told them anyway!  I don’t like secrets.  Secrets can lead to paranoia, but if I don’t have secrets, I have no reason to be paranoid. 

 

In my experience, honesty is the best policy.  I don’t know for sure, but I think my employer prefers honesty over secrets too.  At least that way they know where they stand.  On occasion I have asked for my hours at work to be reduced, but I have never had to take sick leave due to my illness.  I put that down to honesty both with my employer, and with myself. 

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It was - for me - the best choice.   I didn't have to worry about them finding out and they already knew that I would be limited in the number of hours that I would be likely to work.   "How did you know that?" I asked afterwards.  "Because you brought your national insurance number with you, and it was on your 'benefit papers'.   I prepared for the interview, but I only remembered at the last minute that I was supposed to bring my national insurance number, the only thing I had to hand was 'benefit papers' - I didn't care because I wasn't going to get the job anyway!

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Yet above all of these qualities, the most important one of all - I believe - is ‘Personality’.  Many people have the skills, qualifications and experience to do a job, but they shouldn’t be doing it, because they don’t have the personality to do it properly.  A police officer who likes to abuse his power, a nurse that doesn’t care, a politician that puts greed before honour, a carer without compassion, a bank clerk that isn’t honest, a doctor that doesn’t listen, a web designer that puts popular before safety.

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Before my work experience in a £shop, when I finally started to get the help that I actually needed, I spent several years at Nuts n’ Bolts which gave me the opportunity to gain a number of certificates in a range of activities.  I asked if I should take them with me to my interview.  I was told no. They won’t be allowed to look at them.  But I like to think for myself, so I took them anyway.  My first words to Gail were that I had “these certificates, I know you might not be able to look at them, but I brought them anyway just in case.”

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“Well your interview hasn’t started yet,” she said, “because I’m just waiting on someone finishing something first, so if you want I can look at them before your interview starts.”  If body language is anything to go by, after flicking through my various certificates, I would say my future employer was impressed with me, before my interview even started. 

 

If I were to judge someone on my certificates, I would say they were willing to try almost anything and more often than not, they like to finish what they start.

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Science would have us believe that we are nothing more than DNA code.  But it is our life experiences that make us who we are today:  The people who surround us. The people who help us. The people who chose not to.  There has never been, nor will there ever be, another I or another you. 

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The reason can't doesn't exist!

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My illness told me that I would never have a girlfriend, never mind a wife, because no-one would want me.  “You can’t,” it said.  “I know,” I replied.  “But I can still try!”  “It won’t work,” it insisted.  “I know,” I said, “but I can still try!”   “Nothing you can do,” it said.  “I know,” I said.  “But I can still try.”

 

I knew I would never have my own family.  I would never have children.  I would never be happy.  I would never have a job, a car, a home.  “You can’t,” it said.  “I know,” I said.  “But I can still try!” 

 

The journey was long, perilous and difficult.  It was often made worse by those who were supposed to offer help and guidance, but more often than not, all they really offered were lies, excuses and disappointment.   But what you learn as a child, sticks with you forever, and as a child I learned that if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

 

I compared myself to others, if they can do it, why not me?  It gave me the hope that tomorrow, might be better than today.  My illness argued that it was pointless, a waste of time.  All I was doing was delaying the inevitable.   “But I can still try.  Maybe tomorrow,” I delayed, “will be better than today.”   As often as I could, I gave myself a week, then another, then another.  If that seemed too far away, then tomorrow, tomorrow will be better than today. 

 

As tomorrows turned into months and months into years, my illness kept asking if I hadn’t suffered enough yet?  “Not yet,” I delayed.  “Maybe, tomorrow.  Maybe, I’ll give up tomorrow.”  That’s why there is no such word as can’t.  When we say can’t, what we really mean is - “I give up”.

 

We all give up sometimes.  Our computers just won’t do what we want them to, so we give up and get a new one.  A puzzle we just can’t work out, so we give up and try to forget about the damn thing and find something else to occupy our minds.  Sometimes even an argument is hard to win when you realise you are on the wrong side of it, better just to give up than keep fighting a lost cause.

 

We will all give up eventually.  But not today, perhaps tomorrow, but not today!    Today, I see my illness as a gift.  I have learned how to live with it, to stand up for myself, to fight for the help that I sometimes need.  My illness is a liar, today I have everything I once knew, I would never have!

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My favourite superhero?  Politician MAN

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If anyone thinks politicians are the answer to global warming, I admire your optimism but that is what I would call wishful thinking and you really ought to know better.  Perhaps you’re looking for a scapegoat.  Someone else to blame, anyone but I. 

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Personally, when I look around I find little evidence of politicians doing all they can to end poverty, food banks, homelessness, illness, greed, discrimination, or justice to name but a few.  That’s not to say that none of them care, just not enough of them.  And it’s not to say all politicians are there for the benefit of themselves instead of their community, just one too many.

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Who is your superhero? Spiderman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Cat Woman someone else?  Politician man! I wonder why he hasn’t hit the big screens yet?  Politicians are as fallible as the rest of us.  Tempted by power, greed, desire, self-preservation, fear, anger and lust.  They are not to be trusted because they cannot be trusted any more than I could or you could.

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“They are not superheroes, though some may try, while knowing our pain - others walk by.  Why vote for a party, but still I do.  My heart sinks - knowing it’s true.  Vote for a party, feel the fear, so I vote for a party, and we all pay dear.  If courage we had, the Prime Minister would be, the most politicians - trusted by we.  And the result, a Prime Minister, held to account.  But that’s not what we want, enough we don't care, like over need, that we prefer!”

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I hope Politicians will play an important role.  But it is business more than anyone else that will decide our future.  Ask Apple, Microsoft or Alphabet who makes the future, they will tell you – they do!  And it is the decisions we make on who to do business with that will decide the future of the planet.

 

Person A makes a chair out of the cheapest materials available, the chair costs £50.  Meanwhile, Person B, cares about the planet and builds his chair out of recyclable materials.  Because the materials he uses are more expensive in order to make a profit, he has to charge £70, £20 more than his competitor. 

 

If the world turns into a 'crisp', you can’t blame me, I just wanted to buy the cheapest chair.  Neither can you blame Person A because in order to make the cheapest chair, they had to use the cheapest materials.  According to Sherlock Holmes when you rule out who isn’t responsible, the person left must be the culprit.  That’s right, if the world turns into a 'crisp', that was the fault of Person B, because Person B chose to put the planet before profit!  Does anyone see a flaw in this theory?

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Business make our future and we must do all we can to support those that choose to put the planet before profit, not those who put profit before the planet.  But what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, my grandfather taught me that.  So you, the people reading this, you are the answer to global warming.  If we want business to put our planet before profit we must do all we can to encourage as many people as possible to support them instead of their competitors.  That may mean paying more instead of less, or choosing inconvenience over convenience.

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Asking for help is a Skill

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I was ‘born a mouse’.  Apart of sibling rivalry, I rarely raised my voice to anyone for any reason.  Melvyn will come out of his shell someday, my granny often remarked – I only ever wished I had one to climb into.  But after a number of years on anti-depressants, with my illness only seeming to get worse instead of better, I had become aware of other symptoms.  Eventually the ‘mouse’ learned to ‘bark’.

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Sometimes when I need help, all I have to do is Ask for it.  I am extremely lucky to have parents and siblings to help me, but sometimes they just aren’t the help that I need.  When you need help, you should ask for it:

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Example: At work I am often ‘piggy in the middle’.  Sometimes I have to be upstairs, downstairs, out the back, at the front or on an errand.  No matter where I am, someone is bound to want me to be somewhere different.  A colleague got a little frustrated one day because I wasn’t able to assist them as quickly as they would have liked.  That night I thought about what I could do to make others aware of my different roles at work.  I decided to use humour and wrote a note which – as I write - is still pinned to the noticeboard (effectively asking fellow colleagues to be a little more understanding and patient). 

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The next day I apologised for not being able to respond to their request for help sooner and asked them to read the note to find out the reason:  The note reads:

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Where is he now?    If you are looking for the (my position) please note I have a number of other duties to perform, with this in mind, this is where you will find me:

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When I am needed at the front, I will be out the back.  When I am needed at the back, I will be cleaning up a spillage.  When I am needed to clean up a spillage downstairs, I will be upstairs doing something less important - obviously.  When I am needed to help you, I will either be helping someone else or running out the back door!

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Please note that it is NOT my job to be everywhere at all times. Not even superman - as quick as he is - could be upstairs and downstairs at the same time!!!

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If you need help, please call for assistance.  Don't forget to use your other means of calling for help if no-one is answering you.  If I still don't respond to your request for help, I am otherwise occupied and will respond to you as soon as possible. Unfortunately, you haven't been provided with a magic lamp, and I am not a genie that can appear in a puff of smoke as soon as you press a button!  Thank you for your patience.

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The result: It worked.  People at work know I am a hard worker, at least I hope so.  Sometimes we just get so occupied with our own problems, we just can't see things from other people's perspective.   I have learned that humour, is a much more effective first response than anger.   You make your point, but it doesn't provoke an aggressive response or leave a 'bad atmosphere' the way anger can.  But if asking doesn’t work…

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Try harder – try Encouragement.  Tell them why it is so important to you.  Example:  A colleague at work wanted me to do something he knew I wasn’t allowed to do.  I kept telling him I didn’t have the authority to do that, but day after day, he would keep giving excuses why I should do it.  One night I thought about what I could do to change things.  I decided to write a note. 

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I explained the situation and asked a superior to sign it (effectively telling them why their help was important to me).  Then I pinned it to the noticeboard.  When he asked again, I pointed to the noticeboard and showed him the note.  I don’t know who he took his excuses to after that – but it wasn’t me!  If encouragement doesn’t work…

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Try harder – try Persuasion.  Like encouragement, but with a hint towards having to raise the issue with someone in a more senior position if the matter isn’t dealt with appropriately.  It’s the last step before using the complaints procedures.  For example if you were being bullied at work and you felt the matter wasn’t being dealt with appropriately.  Personally, I would write a letter and ‘hint’ that if the matter wasn’t dealt with ASAP I might have to write a complaint about the person who’s job it was to ensure that I wasn’t being bullied at work!  If persuasion doesn’t work…

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Time to make a decision!  Ask yourself if this is REALLY the help that you actually need.  Are they really worth the bother.  If the answer is yes, then…

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INSIST!  If someone is supposed to help, and they refuse, as long as YOU are in the right, then they must be Goliath.  In order to bring them down, all you have to do is find just the right stone and aim carefully.  If it doesn’t work then either you chose the wrong stone or you missed your target.  Never mind, if at first you don’t succeed – try, try again!

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Example 1: I wanted letters of support from politicians for my website idea.  I told them why it was important to me and after several questions most were happy to write the letter.  However, one party had some hesitation.  I wrote another letter and told them that if they couldn’t provide a letter or support, could they please give a written explanation why not?  I called their office every day, at the same time every day, for three weeks. 

 

Perhaps they were looking for a reason not to provide it, perhaps it took them three weeks to find out there wasn’t one.  It was voting season, but I didn’t care what season it was – I wanted my letter.

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I called their office at 11am every day.  Why?  Because after just three days, the secretary used to pick up the phone and before I got a chance to say anything her first words were: “Hello, Melvyn”.  I called at 11am.  I didn’t want to interrupt anything important, but I didn’t mind interrupting tea and biscuits!  Result: I got my letter!

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Example 2: My ‘Other Doctor’ and I just weren’t suited to each other.  Either I didn’t do what she wanted me to do, or the help she was offering wasn’t any use to me because she wouldn’t listen.  You can choose which side you want to take.  Things might be different now, but at the time One couldn’t change the other and the ‘Other’ couldn’t change you.  We were stuck to one another like ‘superglue’.  I used the various complaints procedures and the ‘Advocacy’ service.  Eventually a ‘loophole’ was found and I was transferred to another practice.

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Just as I was about to be transferred, I was prescribed a change of medication and a placement at New Horizons, Action Mental Health (Nuts n’ Bolts).  After a number of years on anti-depressants (which often seemed to make things worse instead of better) - my recovery started almost instantly.  It is hard to say which offered more help – the change of medication, or the placement at ‘Nuts n Bolts’.  

 

I was also instructed to take a test to see if I had a ‘problem with women in authority’.  Turns out, it was just the one!  My GP was there from the start, as far as I can tell she’s a woman.  My wife is a woman – she often tells me what to do.  My boss and various other senior members of staff are women.  My three Guardian Angels -  yep, all women.  But I’m glad I was asked to take the test – it proves (if proof was needed) my ‘Other Doctor’ knew absolutely ‘nothing’ about me!

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Trying to do all this when you are extremely ill and are having trouble thinking ‘rationally’ is an almost impossible task.  There are many organisations that can help you, but finding the one that’s right for you may be a case of trial and error.

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If your struggling to cope, you might want to try what I do – read Lows don’t bother ‘me’ anymore!  No matter how many people refuse to offer the help they could or should, remember tears dry and time will heal!

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The problem with being Polite

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As much as possible and as often as I can, I try to be polite. Sometimes people think I should use different words.  I wouldn’t mind doing what others want me to do, the problem is that they can’t agree on what I should do.  When others agree on what words I should or shouldn’t use, please let me know, until then I will just have to make my own judgement.

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I was once criticised for using the phrase 'commit suicide'.  For me, this phrase helps me to fight my illness.  It reminds me that were I to do something 'stupid' I would be committing an act of harm upon myself and on those who care about me.  I know others see things from a different perspective, but why are their opinions more valid than mine and who decides what words can and can't be used under the banner 'Free Speech'?

 

Growing up in Northern Ireland, the phrase 'Brits out' caused me to think that the word 'Brit' was an offence.  But this was challenged by the 'Brit Awards'.  I realised that it is just a word.  It is neither offensive or unoffensive.  Perhaps we need a dictionary for all the words and phrases that Free Speech prevents us from using.  Mind you, it wouldn’t be much good if it only contained blank pages because the words and phrases can’t be used!!! 

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Before I got my job in a local supermarket I was offered the opportunity of volunteering in a £ shop. While I was there, I heard a joke.  It must be funny doing voluntary work in a £shop where the only thing worth less than a £ is you.  If I don’t want to be offended, do I still have to be.  I hope not because I really like that joke.  Personally I preferred volunteering in a £shop - trying to make a better future - than sitting at home complaining that I didn’t have one.  But the joke wasn’t meant to cause offence, so I don’t take any.

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I can’t know how some words or phrases might affect other people, if I haven’t lived their experiences.  I don’t know what it’s like to be black, guy, transgender, divorced, female, widowed or old.  I might be getting old, but I’m not there yet!

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I do know what it is like to be in debt unable to pay the bills, a victim of crime, lonely, unemployed, employed, isolated, single, married, longing for children, having children, able to pay the bills but only just, male, middle-aged, living with mental illness, growing up in a run-down estate, growing up in the countryside, growing up with someone who has both mental and physical limitations from birth, friends, no friends, invisible in the eyes of others, unqualified and qualified.  All of these things and more, help make me the person I am today, and if I am able to keep learning from my mistakes, perhaps tomorrow I can be someone better.

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I value everyone as equally as I can, I have my own views, but they are neither more important or less important than anyone elses.  I 'makes' mistakes, but as often as possible I like to admit to them and learn from them.  I think the best way to be honest, is for others to allow us to be honest.

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The Great Conspiracy of: ‘I don’t know’!

 

If you don’t know how they did it, the answer is obvious – it didn’t happen!  How many conspiracies have I listened to from those who claim things didn’t happen on the basis that they are completely ignorant of basic physics, facts, or knowledge?

 

Take shadows on the moon.  According to some, the moon landings didn’t happen because there is a famous picture showing shadows going in different directions.  They lack the basic knowledge that light can bounce from one object to another.  Have you never seen yourself with more than one shadow?  If the answer is yes, that’s because when they tell you the Earth only has one sun, it’s a conspiracy.  The Earth actually has many suns that like to play peek-a-boo as and when they feel like it.

 

Others have stated the fact that there are no stars in the background.   Is it not a fact that during the day there are no stars visible on earth either?  The light from the sun is greater than that of the stars so it outshines them!  The moon landings were on the ‘bright’ side of the moon.  But never let a basic fact get in the way of a good conspiracy!

 

Another conspiracy of the moon landings I heard was about the video taken as Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon – who took the video? The answer, I don’t know how they did it – therefore, it didn’t happen! 

 

The problem with conspiracy theories is that they encourage others to disbelieve and this has serious consequences when it comes to medicine, vaccines and basic healthcare.  It isn’t enough that we just protect ourselves, often our protection relies on the actions of others.

 

If some people are going to be prevented from – for example taking vaccines - because of conspiracy theories which are nothing more than lies, innuendo and a lack of basic knowledge then that is going to have serious consequences on all of us.

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The Best Part of My Job is YOU

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If I told you the best part of my job I know you wouldn’t believe me, but perhaps if I tell you the reason why, you will understand. 

 

Every day at work customers will ask me to help them and every day I do my best to ensure they leave with a smile instead of a frown.  I don’t always succeed but I do my best and sometimes I go home and think about how I might have been able to do things better if the situation were to arise again. 

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If you want to know how far I would go to help my customers, I once climbed onto the roof of our building to return a ball to a child.  The child had ADHD.  Two days later the child came back into the store.  He still had a huge grin on his face as he thanked me for returning the ball to him. 

 

The further I go to help my customers the more they appreciate it and they almost always say thank you.  Some can do that better than others, and when they do my ‘black dog’ runs off with his tail between his legs.  My customers are the best part of my job because when I am unwell sometimes I remember the praise they gave me and it helps me to fight my illness.

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On another occasion a customer came into the shop to tell me that his mother had died.  He wanted to thank me for always treating her with a smile and words of kindness.  I was working on the shop floor at the time and he specifically came from one side of the shop to the other, just to tell me how much his mother valued the interactions I had with her.  She liked to complain about who would pay before she opened her purse, then she liked to insist that the person with her would pay when they went to for a cup of tea.  I suggested she order steak: "Salmon," she replied!

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Whether they know it or not, I value all the customers who come into Iceland, and as I build my website, I will value my visitors just as much!  Some customers are tempted to steal, and I really wish they wouldn’t do that, it only serves to make life more difficult for others.  It’s a selfish act, but none of us are perfect, all we can do is try to be a better person tomorrow, than the one we are today!

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Can’t clone 'me'!

 

What you learn as a child, stays with you for life.  

 

Some easy examples could be religion (most people never change their religion); Social attitudes about others (most people believe what everyone around them believes); even taste (most people enjoy their own traditional foods that they have become used to more than they would enjoy the taste of foods in another culture).

 

Most people believe that they are more important or at least as important as those around them - but I was ‘unintentionally’ brought up to believe otherwise.

 

Living in a housing estate, I was encouraged to spend my weekends and school holidays on my grandfather’s farm because he was very ill and could die at any moment - I was taught that my grandfather was more important than me.

 

If I wasn’t on the farm helping my grandfather because he was ill, I was on the farm helping my uncle because he was an only son and needed help with fencing, sheep lambing, sheep clipping, sheep dipping and so on - I was taught that my uncle was more important than me.

 

If I wasn’t on the farm helping my grandfather or my uncle, I was on the farm helping my grandmother because she had a physically and mentally disabled daughter (my aunt) - I was taught that my ‘special’ aunt was more important than me.

 

If I wasn’t doing any of those I was on the farm because there were lots of other people on the farm gathering potatoes, or bringing in silage or making hay and my grandmother needed help to feed them all - they were more important than me.

 

Almost every Sunday I went with my grandparents visiting relatives, just in case the car broke down or they got a puncture and I might be able to help them - my grandparents were more important than me.

 

But please don’t misunderstand, I am not saying that I had a horrid childhood.  Whether I had the best childhood in the world or the worst childhood in the world simply depends on which side of the bed I fall out of and how I look at my past experiences.

 

I grew up knowing how to set a jelly using the river, because my grandmother didn’t have a fridge.   I am probably among the last in Northern Ireland to know what it was to live without electricity; and among the few my age who watched snooker on a black and white television using a car battery.   I learned a lot about life on the farm and I learned from my own mistakes and the mistakes of others.

 

I enjoyed jumping rivers, herding cattle, watching lambs skip about in the fields and feeling ‘special’ because I was so ‘important’ to everyone else’s life - at least I thought I was, because I believed what I was being told.

 

Today I am a parent of two boys.  Today I think they are more important than me.

 

I am a person who thinks others are more important than I am.  Whether that is true or not makes no difference.   For what I was taught as a child will stay with me forever - and how could anyone prove that others aren’t more important than me.

 

At primary school I was taught that I was stupid and if I ever have any doubts about that - I have my GCSE Grade Es in Maths, English, Business Studies, Computer Studies, Accounts and practically everything else to prove it.

 

Thinking about this, I have come to my own conclusion that although everyone else thinks they make the world a better place for themselves by doing things for themselves  - I think I make the world a better place for myself by making the world a better place for everyone.   If the world is a better place for everyone - then it is a better place not just for me - but all those that I care about too - but what do I know.

 

You can clone my body and my genes and cells - but how will you ever be able to clone all my life experiences that make me the person I am today?

 

I am who I am, and like me or loathe me, I like being just that!

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Does God Exist ?

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On my knees, desperate for help, I told God that if He really existed I needed to know!   What point is there in continuing to suffer, or having those around me suffer?  I didn't really expect to get an answer, but I did!

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Person A walks down a road.  At the end of the road they want to go left, but they think God is watching them, so they go right instead.  Person B goes down a road.   He doesn't really care if God is watching or not, because he wants to go right anyway.

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I am person B.  As much as possible and as often as I can I want to choose the right path, not because I think 'someone' is watching me, but because I think it's the right thing to do.  But if you are person A, what would happen if God allowed you into Heaven and a slithery snake came along?  What would you do if you thought God wasn't watching?  

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For me, God - if He exists - doesn't want us to know that He exists.  He wants us to believe that He exists.  To make choices based on what we believe to be the right thing to do.  Only then can He be sure who is - or isn't 'trustworthy'.

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I don't believe God is using 'my illness' or 'my troubles' to judge me - I think (if He exists), He is using them to judge those around me.  I think, He is using the troubles others face - to judge me!  

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Often, I find the 'teachings of Jesus' a useful guide to help me in my decisions - not because I believe 'he' is or was the son of God - I just think carefully about what he said, and I think he was right.  The power of Love is the greatest power of all.  What danger would you not risk to save someone you love from harm. What treasure would you value more than a child, parent, sibling or friend.  Neither greed nor fear, life or death... because Love Conquers ALL.

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When asked what is the greatest of all the commandments, Jesus is said to have replied: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbour as yourself."

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If I want the freedom to choose my own faith and be judged by God on 'my own decisions' then in order to 'love my neighbour as myself', I must surely allow them the same choice.  Whichever of us has chosen 'unwisely' - is the punishment of God not enough?  Too many 'leaders' - I fear - use 'god' as a means of holding 'power' over others for their own ends.  They are not people of 'faith', they are people to fear.